I Tried

When Carson was born I knew I was going to breastfeed.  It wasn't even a question.  In the hospital I had different lactation consultants come in and help to show me the ropes. But hard as I tried, Carson just wasn't interested.  I don't know if he just had a hard time sucking since he wouldn't take a pacifier either but I never could get him to breastfeed so instead I pumped everyday and fed him bottles of breastmilk. That lasted 3 weeks before I lost my milk. I had a really hard time with it.  I always felt like "if only tried harder", or "if that nurse didnt give him a bottle" I was heart broken I felt like I had failed my first born.  I eventually got over it.  I still hate that I couldn't breastfeed Carson and that he didnt get that jumpstart with his immune system. Carson had his first hospital stay at 4 months and has always had problems with being sick.  He now has asthma which I cant completely contribute to not breastfeeding but I just saw on the news that breastfeeding makes your kids 75% less likely to have asthma.  I know that I tried but I cant help but feel guilty that I'm the reason he is always so sick.  

When I had Dallas I was determined to make this time work.  I didn't even have formula or a bottle in the house, so I had no choice but to breastfeed.  the first two weeks were horrible, lots of tears and frustrated long nights.  then Dallas was breastfeeding like a champ!  I did it! I felt like I was now part of this exclusive club that only the really dedicated moms could join.  I was so proud of myself.  and I have to admit I feel like I had a closer bond with Dallas right from the beginning that I didn't have with Carson at first.  I feel like I am more in tune with Dallas and can easily tell what he needs.  I had always read about these things in books but now I was experiencing them for myself.  Dallas is hardly ever sick.  We get comments all the time on how happy of a baby he is.  I wanted to breastfeed until he was at least a year old, but was considering maybe going a little longer like 18 months. 

Fast forward to his 9 month check up. Dallas weighed 18 lbs at 8 months old.  now at his 9 month check up he only weighed 16.  What? he lost 2 lbs?  he went from the 45% for his weight to the 3% It couldn't be from me, for the past month I was still nursing every 3 - 4 hours.  He seemed satisfied after, he would even still spit up milk after.  The doctor had me do a test, he told me to nurse him for 15-20 minutes then offer a bottle after to see how much he ate.  so I did. he ate 12 oz of formula right after I nursed him.  I had lost my milk.  not completely but he was hardly getting anything.  I tried everything to get my milk back. I was pumping every 2 hours.  eating oatmeal for breakfast. adding oatmeal to basically every meal I ate. I was drinking water like crazy but nothing worked. I even tried this weird chocolate drink that they use in Mexico to promote milk production.  anyway after about a week of this my milk supply just continued to get lower and lower.  Now I am a proud mom of a formula fed baby. Do I feel like I tried my best? mostly.  Is Dallas going to suffer the rest of his life because I couldn't breastfeed until a year?  probably not.  but I do know that I am a huge breastfeeding advocate. I will definitely try to breastfeed the next baby. but that's all I can do is try.